CHILL PILLS

While in school, I loved John Dryden, Jonathan Swift and Alexander Pope and by extension the bunch of the Restoration poets whose wit and humour really got to me. They thrived on satire and parody and turned sarcasm into a veritable art form that even my head which usually refused to cram anything memorised some lines that last till this day.

In recent times, I have always loved reading The Fifth Official on ESPN soccernet.com where the writer always takes a semi-cursory, humour-laden look at the soccer events of the past week. I might never rise to the stature of Pope and Dryden or The Fifth Official but there’s no harm in trying to imitate them.

I’m an entertainment journalist with special emphasis on music and here’s my own humorous sighting of last week’s events. I will try to make this as regular as possible if you like it…

MAZI ANEKE’S JUJU MASQUERADE TWIN DAUGHTERS REJECT P-SQUARE

The entertainment paper, Entertainment Express, ran this banner headline: MARRIAGE PROPOSAL: WHY WE CANNOT SAY YES TO P-SQUARE – ANEKE TWINS!

Beside it was the picture of two similar looking girls (obviously identical twins or photoshopped double image) clad in Juju and ashewo attires (Their multi-coloured neck beads, purple lip gloss, bum shorts and heels can only be for Allen Avenue Night Officers). They made the statement quoted on the paper while Peter and Paul were also standing on the cover too but on the other side and far away from them.

We know that papers usually strike catchy banner headlines in order to attract readers but why do it like this nah? *sad* You recently saw Peter Okoye celebrate his beau Lola Omotayo in a well-reported surprise party and Paul has always reiterated his love for his girlfriend that stuck with him through thick and thin and you still sprung this stunt?

Who actually are those masquerades and what movies have they acted in Nollywood, Yorubawood, Igbowood or Bollywood? Have they actually met Peter and Paul? Did they see Jude their elder brother?

And to you, Chidiebere and Chidinma Aneke, make sure your wear your bras next time instead of those masquerade beads and try out the cover of NET when you want to say no to Aki and Paw Paw.

THE CORRECT DAVIDO TRIVIA

MTN is at it again! After deciding that Davido was the best person to feel their Pulse and after shooting several strange adverts with him, they have decided to go a step further! They are asking questions about him and giving gifts!

And this is a young boy still in his teens and barely two years in the music industry o!

So since I don’t know him very well yet, let me ask him some trivia too so I can answer to his own when MTN sends it. Win an Aeroplane will apply here if he gets all his answers right!

David, were you actually asleep in that groupie picture you took in Ghana?

Davide, were you actually trying to mimic Wande Coal?

David, are you a log of wood that does not wake up even after changing position ten times?

David, did u notice that your eyelids were twitching in the picture?

David, why were you trying to hide your smile, don’t you know we love you dimples?

David, why didn’t you call a Press Conference after to say that it wasn’t you?

David, why weren’t you naked in the picture?

David, do you like the girl?

David, how much did you pay her to act that picture?

David what did your father say about the picture?

David how many rounds did you go with the girl?

David, did you use condoms?

David what did Wande Coal say about the picture?

D’BANJ ABIALA IN AMERICA!

Last year, Kanye West signed D’banj and Don Jazzy. Now they have broken up and while we haven’t heard much about the Don Jazzy part on the G.O.O.D Music deal, we will make do with D’banj’s activities.

First we were regaled of his appearance Kanye West’s album and waited excitedly for it. Then they revealed the tracklist and we found out that there were ten or more people on the track so we concluded it must be a medley long enough for everyone to spilT a bar. So there was still hope that D’banj will bring his koko to the groove.

But what we heard in the part scientists have come to attribute to the Kokomaster was just a well sequenced double bleat.

Dapo! If they don’t want you to sing on their song, why settle to bleat like a goat? Not even your mouth organ which you said Kanye West liked or your full nomenclature like your Ghanaian and Jamaican friends call you! Why you fall our hands abi ear like that? Because many a listener after cotton budding their ears  ten times in order to discover where you sang only had drooping pinnae to show for their disappointment.

KEFEE LOVES MORNING NACKING

“Kefee will nack you apako! She will nack you apako!” That is the latest track from the Branama Queen as she couldn’t keep her joy to herself after an early morning round with the great Don. “Morning nacking is the best I swear…” she purred on her twitter page and trust her followers and the blogosphere to catch fire.

The tweet immediately went viral and sparked a nacking debate on blogs especially Linda Ikeji’s. The points of debate also touched on areas like her being a Gospel artist and nacking; announcing her nacking on twitter; being married and nacking; not nacking enough; nacking her husband and so many other areas that only the market men and women who visit Linda’s blog can talk about. They were also cursing and abusing themselves in the process.

DISCLAIMER: This piece was not written by Chilee Agunanna. It is the work of a dark-witted Muse that visits him at night with strange thoughts and keeps nagging at him till he draws his laptop and starts writing in mid-sleep. So whatever is deciphered in words here were done while he was in a semi-trance and unable to control his writing.

If you are his friend or is affected by any of the cases mentioned above, please do not hold it to against him and do not confront him in person with its contents because he has no intentions to hurt your feelings and would be very grieved to see you mad.

Meanwhile don’t forget to mention any musical incidents you notice to me: @chileechills. Thank you.

CHILEE AGUNANNA (while asleep).